Message From Joyanna

The following excerpts from my newest book, "The Promises of Recovery," includes my experiences and sharings while preparing and facilitating "Transformations Twelve Powers Support and Study Group at Unity of Portland Church, beginning September 22, 1905.

In addition to the Twelve Powers, this book also includes my sharings of recovery, as a result of Codependents Anonymous C0DA)  and The Twelve Steps. The book relates to The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous, as they are being applied and fulfilled in my life, while facilitating this Support Group and living my life.

(SCROLL DOWN FOR TOPICS: WILL, UNDERSTANDING, IMAGINATION, ETC., AS THEY ARE WRITTEN)

THE PROMISES OF RECOVERY

Chapter 3

FAITH IN ACTION

“I trust a guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities”

Promise # 11

I knew God was taking me through a major step in experiencing Promise #11 in my recovery when I learned that Para, my assistant for the Transformation’s Twelve Powers Support-Study Group would not be able to attend the first meeting. Furthermore, I suspected that the second person who encouraged me to facilitate this group would not show up, either. Sure enough, she was not there, either, but I did not feel abandoned or “out on a limb,” as I would have experienced in the past, before my recovery.

Now, I had “The Promises of Recovery,” and it was definitely a major step forward, on faith, because I had no choice but to “trust God‘s guidance” and to “believe in my own capabilities.”

Preparation

On the other hand, Para, who had agreed to help with the logistics and preparations, had met with me a few weeks prior to the first session, and we had outlined the necessary preparations and needed materials. Then, as promised, she made copies of the handouts and brought them to me the Sunday before the group. In addition, she contacted Judy, the church Office Manager, and made all necessary arrangements.

Then Para informed me that I should arrange a meeting with Judy regarding further details, such as my financial remuneration and how to lock up the church, after my class. These are issues that have remained overwhelming to me, as a result of having bottomed-out, after my ex-husband left; and of course, they are issues that I must face and deal with.

So, I called the church and learned that Judy had been called away on a family emergency, and would not return until after my first session. However, the receptionist suggested that I call the minister, at his home, and arrange these details.

I don’t know why money matters are still an issue with me, but I know it‘s a result of my childhood, during The Great Depression, and its impact on me. However, I’ve managed to handle my finances and live within my ½ of Van’s Social Security income for the past three years, and that has been a major accomplishment.

God guided me to a low-income retirement facility, and with my daughter, Gail’s help, I learned how to live within the system of low-income survival. The truth is that, with the low rent, Food Stamps, special transportation, and other programs, I’m actually living quite well. However, I don’t intend living this way the rest of my life, and becoming financially independent, with the help of my website, books, and facilitating groups, is one of my goals.

Now, it’s time to financially move forward, and being compensated for facilitating this class is a first step, as I learned the percentages of the donations that I would receive. Of course, this meant passing out the collection container, counting the money and leaving it for the Office Manager, which I’d hoped that Para would handle. But, obviously God wanted me to take care of these matters the first class.

Also, there would be forms to fill out, including attendance and Application for CEP (Continuing Education Program) credits for those who want to become ministers, licensed teachers, or chaplains. These are details that I did not feel ready to handle, but that must be done; so it was yet another step forward.

Another detail of preparation that I needed to handle was arranging for the Tri-Met Lift bus to pick me up and take me home, within the time framework of the group. This involved calling Linda, with the proper information, which I had done. But, the Step of Faith is a matter of the computer, as to whether or not I’d get there on time, and back home without waiting alone on the church steps. This remains to be seen.

A Sign-Up Sheet had been available at church and I wanted to call each person and touch base. However, when I called, none of them answered, so I left a message with my phone number.

The Problem and The Solution

Although this book is about The Promises of Recovery being fulfilled, and the Solutions; it will be necessary to flashback to The Problems, from time to time. This seems a good time to explain about the Abandonment Syndrome which had run my life, prior to my recent healing of this issue. In fact, it’s the reason that I bottomed-out, and that I haven’t been able to function normally, until I reached this place in recovery. It’s because the separation from Van, my ex-husband, threw my inner child, Joanie, back into the abandonment she felt at age two-and-a-half, when my parents separated and I was alone. So, although I was seventy-years-old, I was dealing with issues that had happened to me, as a child. I felt unwanted, that I didn’t belong, I didn’t fit in; I feared criticism, rejection and disapproval, and I lost my self-esteem and self-confidence. It was awful.

“The Problem” defines the issues for children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families, which brings about the symptoms of codependency:

THE PROBLEM

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household.

We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities -- terrified of abandonment -- willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us “co-victims”--  those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.

This is a description, not an indictment.

I recall that when I first read this, many years ago in ACOA meetings, I felt that I was reading my autobiography. Yet, I rejoiced to finally find an explanation to my problems.

Even now, reading these words reminds me how far I’ve come in my recovery, and also that it’s an ongoing process, because I am a recovering codependent, but like an alcoholic, we are subject to slips and relapse, especially when the issues are triggered, such as when Van left me.

However, it is not hopeless. There is The Solution.

THE SOLUTION

The Solution is to become your own loving parent.

As ACOA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recovery the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.

The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.

This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery.

This is the action and work that heals us; we use the Steps: we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.

With this information, the importance of the events in this chapter to my recovery will be much clearer. And it will be seen that my preparations for facilitating this group have been a lifetime.

A Website Participant

Just as The Solution follows The Problem, in the Promises of Recovery being fulfilled, my story moves from problems to solutions, and the evidence of  God’s guidance becomes more exciting, as the events unfold, and I begin to believe in my own capabilities.

For instance, a lady called to say that she wanted to participate in the group, but would not be able to attend the meetings on Thursday night, and asked how she could keep up with the group on her own.

I told her about a book that was available at our bookstore, and I also told her to read my Transformations Twelve Power Process course, which is available on my website, and I gave her my web address and directions on how to reach the course. We were both excited about her being able to participate with the group via my website.

I was especially excited, because this was the beginning of the fulfillment of my dream: this is the first person to actually enroll in the website course. We would be working together to develop the project into a workable format, and who knows where this association would take us. Maybe she would become a permanent part of the website project. It’s for sure I’ve been praying for people to assist with the website.

A Gift From God

Several days before the group was to begin, I realized that my notes for the class were scattered in several notebooks, and I wished I had something appropriate that would be permanent. I rummaged through various locations for a suitable notebook, and then my eyes focused on a multi-colored, hard covered notebook that had been a gift for my birthday. I hadn’t used it, as yet, and I rejoiced with “Thank You, God,” when I picked it up and realized that I was receiving this gift a second time; this time from God. It was perfect, with its multi-colored swirls, because the subjects of the course are color-coordinated. For instance, the first session is Faith, and the color is royal blue, which is one of the many colors on the cover.

It may seem strange to become so excited about a notebook, but to me it was as if God were personally identifying Himself. Actually, He was, and every time I see the notebook, I feel that oneness. Thank You, God!

The Format

I re-entered the material I’d written earlier, elsewhere, and realized that I’d planned far too much, which is usually the case. So, I decided to be flexible and let God guide me through the session. I’d have an outline, as He guided, but I would listen to Him.

My main concern and prayer was that God would guide me to say and do whatever would be beneficial to the members of the group; not me trying to satisfy my ego by showing how much I know, or how well I can lead a group.

From the beginning, I felt this would be a support group, as well as a study group, so the first hour would be each one sharing where they are in their lives right now, and what they hope to experience as a result of the group. This first session we would remain in the large group (fifteen had signed up) and in future sessions we would break into smaller groups for our sharing about the subject, and whatever else they felt guided to share. It would definitely be flexible and God guided, through them, as well as me, therefore they could use whatever books they chose, and they could change books. I would also give them my web address, so they could study my course.

Para and I had discussed the advisability of my course being copied in booklets, for those without a computer. I didn’t have any copies available, and I was not willing to do it, at this time, She was willing to make them, upon request, when paid for in advance, so I said we would divide the income from them three ways: 1/3 each to her, me, and the church.

I have the manuscripts for one set (of twelve) that can be copied onto 8½ by 11 pages, with a designated color for the cover, which would be the easiest for now.

However, I had begun to do each session into a booklet, but I had only done three sessions. The thought crossed my mind that this would be a good time to complete the revised set, but God wants me to keep this simple, without putting undue pressure on Para or myself, so it might not happen.

History of The Twelve Powers

As I began to get my focus back into the Twelve Powers, I thought about their history. The Twelve Powers were presented in book form by Charles Fillmore, the co-founder of Unity, and he wrote a book titled “The Twelve Powers of Man,” which has now been shortened to “The Twelve Powers,” because of the Women‘s Rights issues. He had heard about them from Emma Curtis Hopkins, a turn-of-the-century metaphysical teacher of teachers. The concept originated in the Egyptian philosophy, so it is not anything new, by any means. However, the Twelve Powers have been updated and adapted in books by many authors, including Catherine Ponder’s “Healing Secret of the Ages,” and Sig Paulson’s “Your Power To Be,” and others. The latest book, “The Twelve Powers in You,” by David Williamson and Gay Lynn Williamson and Dr. Robert Knapp,  is one of the best, because it contains the most recent related information in medical science that expands the locations of these centers, or energy fields, thanks to years of research by Dr. Robert Knapp, who presents a dissertation of each power under the heading “Body.” David Williamson, a Unity minister who has recently died, write about each power as related to Spirit. And Gay Lynn, his wife, also a Unity minister and a psychologist, write about the powers under the heading “Soul.”

Believe me, there is enough material in this one book to teach for a lifetime, so it’s a challenge to simply let go and let God guide me, and each of us, in what material will be presented.

My Twelve Powers Projects

I studied The Twelve Powers, as part of my program to become a Licensed Unity Teacher, and became absorbed with Catherine Ponder’s book, “Healing Secret of the Ages.”

Then I was inspired to write my first book, “The Pot O’ Gold Course,” with its sparkling gold cover and rainbow colored pages coordinated with the twelve subjects. I included everything from The Ten Commandments and Lord’s Prayer to my own personal experiences with the subjects. When I began my prison ministry-by-mail, I sent the huge thick book -- 8 ½ by 11 -- to the freedomers, as I called inmates seeking inner freedom.

They responded with poems, artwork, letters and articles, which I incorporated into a monthly publication, “The Rainbow Connection,” along with my writings, and others, which I sent to the freedomers.

I decided to revise the “Pot O’ Gold Course” into individual courses, each based on one of the subjects, and I added the freedomers material to the first book, “Saying Yes to God.” I also included the answers to the questions in the course that the freedomers had written and called them Correspondence Classmates. In addition there were corresponding cartoons drawn by my friend, Keith Smyth. Again, the book became too big, but I sent them to the freedomers, and received more material, which I included in “The Rainbow Connection,” for four years. By this time it was the eighties and rainbows and pots o’ gold seemed passé, so I changed the theme of my writings to inner freedom, with a butterfly for the logo.

Someone said, “I would be interested in your course, but I’m not interested in anything a bunch of losers have to say,” so I decided to separate the book into two courses; “Transformations; A Twelve Powers Process,” which is finished; and “Saying Yes to Inner Freedom” and the freedomers material, “The Freedomers Say Yes to Inner Freedom,” based on the sharings of those who took the course. The “Rainbow Connection” material was compiled into “Rainbows and Pots O’ Gold. However, the cartoons didn’t make their way into the new books, due to the fact that I’m not into the required scanning and other technology that is required. I still have hopes of doing all this, though, in the future.

I managed to complete the subjects of Faith and Love, before my life changed and we began to travel full-time in our Holiday Rambler RV. I took along my files, but there just wasn’t time or space to work on any more book revisions. Instead, I began putting the material onto a website: www.InnerFreedom.net. The project became so overwhelming that it never got finished. But then, I looked at it as a lifetime purpose, anyway, which one doesn’t expect to complete, although I’m still working on it.

While traveling, I wrote a series of books about our inner and outer journey, combining the adventures of our outer travels with the inner journey of recovery, which I entered on my website, along with pictures.

In the meantime, Van and I separated and I lost my companion and my computer expert, and I bottomed-out, so I didn’t work on the website for two years, while I focused on my recovery.

However, I did manage to write the story of my recovery in a series of five books, which I titled “Journey of Recovery,” even though I was no longer traveling. Now, it was mostly an inner journey, but I included my “Adventures of the Uncharted Regions: Suddenly Single at Seventy” as I titled my first book in this series.

Most of these books are based on the Twelve Powers, one way or another, and include referral to the subjects: Faith, Will, Understanding, Imagination, Zeal, Power, Love, Wisdom, Order, Strength, Renunciation, Life. Each is coordinated with a color and a month, and a disciple, which can be learned by viewing the course on my website: www.transformations12powers.homestead.com. And, hopefully, the books will some day be available.

But, don’t plan on that happening very soon, because I plan on again combining the course and the freedomers material with the cartoons in one book, for each subject.

As I’m writing this, I can see that one of the characteristics of codependency is quite evident. I never seem able to complete my projects. I’m not that way about most things, and I have completed many of my projects; but I keep adding to them so they never get finished. Maybe that’s because there is a fear of them being out there, and therefore subject to criticism, disapproval and rejection; a short coming that I’m assuming has been healed. In any event, I am moving forward with these projects, as God guides and in His time.

While searching through my files for material on Faith, I unearthed all of my “Rainbow Connections,” and many other files awaiting my attention. As I write, they are stacked on my sofa, coffee table and floor. It seems to be time to put

some attention into them, so I’ll report on my progress throughout this book.

Wow! This chapter is going places that I had not expected, but it does seem appropriate to include the history of my writing projects and my website, because they will be part of the fulfillment of “The Promises of Recovery” and it’s good to know where I am with them. Also, this is my expectation as a result of the Transformation’s Twelve Powers Support and Study Group”: to move forward with my website and writing projects, especially from the standpoint of becoming financially independent; not dependent on the government.

Getting Ready and Getting There

The day of the first session of the group, I’d done a lengthy meditation about Faith and this being a divine appointment. I’d also prayed for the people who would be affected by the second big hurricane, Rita, that was working it’s way into Texas and Louisiana. I always dedicate the day to God, and whatever He guides me to do, and I included His plans for the group and everyone who would be there, and I released the day to Him.

My day included attending a memorial service for one of the older male residents, George, who had recently died. Thankfully, it was early enough in the day that I could get home and ready for my group.

I’d loaded my books, in their various stages, along with the books on the Twelve Powers by other authors, and the other material I would need, into a cart and left them by my door.

When it came time to get dressed, I knew exactly what I would wear: my light, royal blue two-piece pants suit. But, when I put it on, I couldn’t stand it; it no longer was right for me; it belonged to another era and different energies. Now what?

I reached for a royal blue velour over-blouse and then searched for an appropriate match. None of my pants or skirts felt right. Then I spotted a sheer, multi-color pants-skirt that I had loved in the seventies in California. Yes!

My friend, Dolores, who often makes cookies for our gatherings, had reported that her precious elderly cat was to be euphemized prior to the group, but she would attempt to make it. I’d been guided to buy some crackers and cookies, while on the grocery shopping shuttle the day before, so I tossed them into the cart and headed out the door.

I’d turned the day over to God, and I felt ready, so now it was time to go and do it.

Usually, the Tri-Met Lift bus drivers are pleasant, but this one wasn’t. For instance, when I asked how many pick-ups, which gives me an idea of the time it will take, he snarled “Fifty-two,” which I knew was his way of saying “None of your business.”

A physically-mentally challenged rider was already on the bus, as we headed off in the opposite direction from church. Darn! It would have been nice for the trip to have gone smoothly, but I released it to God and trusted Him to get me there on time; a major concern I’d had about making the commitment to facilitate a group by myself.

Eventually, miles and miles later, the passenger was unloaded, and we began back-tracking toward the church. When we arrived, at the bottom of the steps, I asked if the driver would carry the box of books up the steps. He grimaced, and attempting to take care of myself and my needs, and not take on his ugly disposition, I asked, “Is there something about me you don’t like?”

He seemed stunned, as he asked, “What makes you ask that?”

I replied, “I don’t know,” and left it at that, as he set my box down, inside the door and left.

Okay, God, this isn’t going to affect me, I thought, as I made two trips to carry the box and other material downstairs, turn on the lights, and began setting up chairs, in a circle, and arranging the books.

I’d placed the cookies and crackers on trays when a member of the Board passed through and asked “What are you doing?”

I explained that I was setting up for my class, and she replied that the Board was to meet in this location.

When I told her that the minister had said this was to be my location, she disappeared. Then another lady who was extremely tired, arrived and insisted that the Board was to meet here. So, I moved all of my carefully displayed material into another room and went upstairs to direct people to the new room.

The first lady reappeared and confirmed that the minister had said that my group was to be in the big room. I said that I was now set up in the other room, and it would be good. It’s about being flexible, I’d concluded. Besides, the other room was cozier and more private, because it had doors; the big room was more impersonal and less private.

People began arriving and I directed them to the appropriate room. Soon, my friend, Dolores, and her husband, Bill, arrived, and I asked them to take over that job, while I returned to the room and attended to the details of logistics, such as the Sign-up Sheet, which I would not need to do, once Para was here.

The Activity of Faith

This first session would be different than the rest, because I would need to explain about the mandalas, which are a visual meditation they could do while listening to each other share their answers to where they are in their lives and what they expect from the group.

I started by sharing something of my story, my books, my website, and my expectations. I also explained that we would allow God to guide us, and we would create the group to fulfill what we wanted to experience.

Each of the others shared too, and the session went well, as the energies of the group began to formulate. There are a number of healers and those familiar with energies, which is exciting.

I was especially thrilled when one woman shared that she had no intentions of being there, but during her meditation, she felt guidance to be there, so she came. I love it! This is exactly the activity of Faith that I’d hoped would happen, and it was already happening. Thank You, God.

At the break, I announced that the tea was ready in the kitchen, but someone returned to say it hadn’t heated. He reminded me that there was a red button to be pushed, and I said that I’d plugged it in, but I admitted that I hadn’t pushed it. No one seemed to mind, as they crunched cookies, and we went on with the session. We’d taken more time than I’d expected for sharing, so rather than taking turns reading, I opted to read highlights relating to “Faith” from “The Twelve Powers,” and we ended on time. Whew!

Thanks to someone reminding me, I’d taken the collection, and now I had to count it. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t know what to do with the money, but fortunately the minister was sitting in the Board meeting, so I quietly interrupted to ask him, and he explained, while the first lady who had come downstairs, went into the kitchen and found an envelope for me.

God was doing for me, what I couldn’t do for myself, according to The Promises of AA Recovery, and it was happening, as I was faced with putting everything away and being ready for the bus to pick me up. All this is what Para would be doing, but this time it was up to me, or so I thought. This is where Faith in Action happened for me. Someone offered to help and I asked her to put the cookies and crackers back in the boxes. Someone else helped put away other material and carry the box upstairs for me, and agreed to wait until my bus came.

Someone from the Board meeting had come upstairs and opened a door for me to put my box and felt tip pens away, as I counted the money, placed it in the envelope and slipped it under the locked door to the office.

Whew! It was all done by 9:15, which gave me time to get my breath and go to the bathroom, before the bus came between 9:30 and 10:00. But, I looked outside the window and there was the bus. I asked the Board member, on his way to his car to get the key, to tell the driver I’d be right there, while I finished with the money.

I didn’t even go to the restroom, thinking I would soon be home. But, when I got on the bus, I learned that he was going clear across town to pick up someone at the OHSU, and he had several other stops. I asked if I could take time to go to the restroom. This driver was nice, and agreed, asking if he could fill his water jug, while inside.

As the rest of the evening unfolded, I settled back and enjoyed the ride, while chatting with the driver and passenger, once she was picked up. It took over an hour for me to get home, but I was grateful that this first session was over, and it had gone well.

I knew that the entire event had been a matter of Faith in Action for me, and that’s why God had seen to it that Para and Terry and Dolores were not available to rescue me. It was up to me, and I had to trust God’s guidance and help; and He provided all the help and guidance I needed, and I made it.

I was in a whole new space, as a result of that experience.

WILL

THE PROMISES OF RECOVERY

Chapter 5

SURRENDER: I FOUND IT!

I’m Not sure About This

I’d written two pages of Chapter 4, before leaving for church this morning, and I felt pleased to have gotten it started in that amount of time.

When I came home, after church and my CoDA meeting, I watched TV, ate, and began reading some material for my next Transformations 12 Powers Support-Study Group. The power is Will, and I’d already been guided that the subject would be surrender.

I’ve gone through so many lessons on surrender; each more intense than the last, and, as usual I figured I’d learned this lesson. But, God isn’t through with me, yet, so He gave me another, deeper experience, which reminds me that sometimes I with He’d let up on me. After all, I’m writing about the fulfillment of The Promises, now, so life should be better.

I Lost It!

In any event, I decided to check my e-mail, and then write some more on chapter 4. When I called it up, I remembered that I’d run out of time and hadn’t filed it properly, so it was still on the “Template” file.

I titled a new folder and filed it. Then I erased the text from the Template file and wrote the identifying text, “New Beginning,” on the blank page. Somehow, I managed to erase the text from both files and they both said “New Beginning,” my identifying words for the template.

I tried to keep calm, while trying to figure out how to retrieve the text, but not having a clue how to do it. I remembered that Van had rescued many a lost file, and I was always so grateful, but I never learned how. This was another of those moments when I missed his computer expertise.

The Abandonment Syndrome Reactivated

I was living my worst nightmare, since Van left; being in a computer situation where I didn’t know what to do and couldn’t take care of myself. I’d relapsed into my codependency abandonment syndrome: feeling helpless and hopeless, like the 2-½-year old Joanie that tried to take care of her mommie and didn’t know how. And then the worst happened: my mommie got sick and was put in a mental hospital.  The next thing I knew the family had ceased to exist and I was living elsewhere.

For some reason, losing my text for this chapter threw Joanie back into the Abandonment Syndrome, and again, for Joanie, at this moment, the worst was about to happen and I would lose everything again. It was all so real: I was a child who had depended on her parents for love, care and nurturing. Suddenly it was gone. I was alone and helpless, without my caregivers (this time it was Van), and I didn’t know how to take care of myself.

I Need a Rescuer

As I tried various things, I began to panic. My head tightened, my stomach quivered, and I felt tense. I knew there was no use.

When I was a child, my grandparents rescued me and everything was okay; at least for the time; until Mom Freeland became an alcoholic. But, for Joanie, the Abandonment Syndrome was in progress; again, I needed a rescuer. I called my daughter, Dottie, but she didn’t answer and I left a message.

I’d been tired when I started this project, and the message probably was that it wasn’t the time for me to write, but I didn’t listen; a bit of personal will had taken over. I’d also tried to call my friend, Bonnie earlier, before the mishap, but she hadn’t answered, either, so I sent her an e-mail message and figured I’d call another time, when I wasn’t so tired.

Now, in desperation, I called her again, and she answered, through coughs and wheezes; she had a cold. She wanted to visit, but all I wanted was to retrieve my precious chapter.

She managed to focus, somewhat, on my dilemma, between tidbits of conversation, and suggested various methods, such as recycle bin and search. Neither worked, as I attempted to follow her suggestions.

Throughout the procedure, Bonnie took me into technology places I’d never been before; and feared going. Yet, now I was doing something I could not have done prior to my present level of recovery. Thank You, God.

The Worst Has Happened

Yet, after trying everything she knew, nothing worked. Sure enough, the worst had happened, when Bonnie said, “Well, I guess it’s gone. You’ll just have to rewrite it.” I was into abandonment, and the loss factor had returned. I felt all the symptoms of grief, including the mental, emotional and physical shutdown that I’d been through when my parents left, and when Van left, and whenever something triggered my inner child, Joanie, into the syndrome.

The Dark Mood of Hopelessness

The pattern was in place. I didn’t feel like recreating the story of my “New Found Freedom,” as recorded in chapter 4. It was lost, and that wonderful experience of my “New Found Freedom” was gone forever, except in my memory.

I settled into having a conversation with Bonnie, although I felt myself in the dark mood of hopelessness. My head pressures had returned and I dreaded the prospect of sinking into my former negative state.

As Bonnie talked about her job, her cats and her latest home projects, Joanie was 2 ½ years old, suffering intense loss, so my responses were one syllable, as I focused on loss and survival.

Now Is The Time to Surrender

Grieving can only last so long, and I’d been through three-years of recovery, so thankfully, I was able to pull Joanie out of her hopelessness. The first two Promises were being fulfilled:

1: I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

2: I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity. 

Furthermore, I was preparing for the Power of Will, in my Twelve Powers group, and the key word is: surrender. It’s time to let go and let God, remembering another Promise: God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Finally, as Bonnie continued sharing her latest activities, I knew that it was time to surrender my chapter, so I silently said to God, “Okay, if you want this chapter written, please show me how to restore it. And I surrendered the entire chapter.

I knew this was a God-thing, so when I got off the phone with Bonnie, again, I said, “Okay God, please show me what to do.” And I added, “Not my will but thine be done,” as Jesus taught us.

“I Can’t; God Can; I’m Going to Let Him”

I recited the above short version of The Twelve Steps, as I sat down to the computer and stared, with no idea of what to do. I just knew that there must be something, and God would show me.

Without knowing what I was doing, I started clicking on a curved arrow on my tool bar, and part of “New Beginning” disappeared. I clicked again, and more of it disappeared. The third time brought my precious chapter 4 back into view. “Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God.” I could hardly believe it was there, yet why wouldn’t it be? It’s a matter of faith.

Quickly, I filed it properly, and then I filed the Template, all the time saying “Thank You, God;” not only in words, but with a feeling of surrender and release throughout my entire body; even the tight head let go.

I wrote a quick e-mail to Bonnie, with the subject line reading “I Found It” and I knew that would be the title of this chapter.

I didn’t know what I would write, other than what I’ve already written, about the lost and found chapter; but I knew the words would come to me, as I live this chapter in preparation for my next session on Will.

I know that God was showing me that I don’t need Van in order for my life to work; and it’s not up to Bonnie, or Dottie, to rescue me, either. As the Promises say, “God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.”

Or, as the CoDA Promises say: “I trust a guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.” I am not a helpless, hopeless child.

As a result of these experiences, the Twelfth Promise becomes fulfilled: “I gradually experience serenity, strength and spiritual growth in my daily life.”

The Twelve Steps and Will Combine

Speaking of the Twelve Steps, Will is a predominant subject, if not a base of recovery.

In Step One we begin the surrender process: “We admitted that we were powerless over others -- that our lives had become unmanageable.”

What a terrible place to reach, and it doesn’t usually come until we’ve tried everything else, and finally bottom-out, with the words: “I can’t.”

Step Three gives hope that God can: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” This is the Surrender Step.

Step 11 confirms that “I’m going to let Him”: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.”

The Beginning of Promise

It’s the Twelfth Step that assures us that these steps do work, and there is hope. It’s the beginning of The Promises: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

It presupposes that we will have, or have had a “spiritual awakening.” So, when we are newcomers in recovery, we can know that thousands of people before us have gone through this recovery process and they have had a spiritual awakening. Of course, once you’ve had the blessings, you want to share the process with others, and that’s why I keep writing these books.

I’ve found the magical key that opens the door to the spiritual experience of oneness: it’s surrender; letting go and letting God. “Not my will, but thine be done,” as Jesus prayed in The Garden of Gethsemane, as one of his last acts of surrender.

The final words of surrender came on the cross: “Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit” (Luke 23: 46). Thus, He fulfilled the Divine Plan for His life by showing us the way; giving us a Road Map to follow in our own Journey of Transformation: Life, Crucifixion (crossing out), Resurrection (lifting up), Ascension (oneness), which comes with letting go and letting God.

Not a Weak Will but a Will Week

God continued to give me lessons in letting go, throughout the week preceding the subject of Will, for the Transformations Twelve Powers Support and Study Group.

For instance, instead of spending most of the week focusing on preparation for the Group, I let go and allowed God to guide me through the week, trusting that He would prepare me, according to His Will for good. I did the usual things, such as writing, doing laundry, and taking care of myself; a must in Twelve Step Recovery.

I enjoyed my weekly massage at NCNM (National College of Naturopathic Medicine) clinic, which is covered by my state medical plan, and is a necessity to relieve my chronic body tightness. This session had been another fulfillment of The Promises of Recovery, because the term had ended and I would have a new massage student.

In the past, I would be apprehensive about the change, as the term ended and new students began their clinic experience. However, I surrendered my body to God, and thanked Him for giving me the perfect massage student for His body, which turned out to be Holcomb, as mentioned before, and I was pleased with her treatment.

We decided that I was unusually tight and probably needed another adjustment by a medical student, assisted by a supervising doctor, so I’d made an appointment and again experienced a new primary medical student, Eric, assisted by a secondary, Megan.

Because this is a learning clinic, it requires patience, as they learn how to detect and treat the symptoms. Fortunately, I had time, as Dr. SSL (Sanford- Lewis), the supervising doctor, assisted them, and finally gave me the much needed adjustment. I could hear my neck pop, as the atlas and other parts went back into place, allowing the oxygen to flow freely to my head and brain. They also adjusted my hip, and I was ready to go again, continuing to be pain free; thanks to their expertise.

Another opportunity for letting go came when only one person signed up for the Grocery Shuttle excursion I’d planned to Mall-205. I thought they would enjoy the opportunity to shop at different shops and have lunch, but they didn’t feel they had money, at the end of the month.

In the meantime, I’d been invited to lunch at The Refectory, a favorite restaurant, and I was torn between my commitment to the Grocery Shuttle, and having Fun with friends.

So, at Bingo, I asked where they wanted to go for shopping. No one seemed to know, so I said I would cancel the bus for that day, and I would go to lunch with my friends. By the time Bingo was over, they decided they would go to Winco. I took care of myself by saying, “Okay, you go ahead. I’m going to lunch.”

It worked out great, without me being in control, but letting go and letting God. They went on their way, and I enjoyed a wonderful lunch. As it all turned out, I got to shop at Winco, with my friends, and also Costco. I’m sure the lesson of surrender is obvious in this experience. Thank You, God.

“So, Have a Good Day”

I laughed when I read a Daily Reading, and I knew it must be included here: “I release the situations of my life into God’s care, and I am blessed.

“A coin held tightly in my closed hand won’t buy me anything. It’s only when I release the coin that I can invest it or spend it.

“Sometimes I may hold a challenging situation in my mind as if I were clutching it in my closed hand, refusing to release it. I realize that by not letting it go, I’m not giving it a chance to be anything other than a challenge.

“In prayer, however, I release the situation into God’s care. I let go of any attachment to outcome or eventuality, and I invest my trust in God.

“As I let go and let God be active in my life, I open my heart to the potential blessings of every circumstance. As my prayer life builds, I become proficient at releasing to God the things better left to God, which in turn lets me focus on what is mine to do.”

It reminded me of a notice I have pinned on my wall: “Good Morning: This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help… So, have a good day.”

I’m having much better days, since I’m learning to let go and let God.

Logistics and Details

My lessons in letting go and letting God continued at the church. I’d decided it would be comfortable and cozy to continue having the meetings in the smaller room, but when I talked with Judy, the Business/Office Manager, I learned that we’d been assigned the main meeting room (fellowship hall) with the tables, as she said, they would be best for coloring the mandalas. I realized she was right.

My brief meeting with Judy presented me with many more opportunities for fulfillment of The Promises, as we discussed the logistics and details relating to the class, such as handling the money, opening and closing the church (if no one else is available, which hopefully won‘t happen), storage of my materials, and registering anyone taking the class for credit (to become a minister, teacher or chaplain).

Whew! As I told Judy, “This is why I wasn’t able to teach any sooner.”

She replied, “Oh, we handle all that for you.”

Not exactly. To her, it may not have seemed like much for me to handle, but I was in overwhelm. Thankfully, Para, my assistant who handles logistics and details for the group, arrived, and I was able to relegate some of this to her.

Judy gave me the necessary keys to get into the church, and also a closet where my box of supplies would be stored; a new level of responsibility that Joanie found overwhelming, so I had to remind her that I will take care of it, if Para isn’t there. It isn’t up to Joanie to handle these matters. All she has to do is be happy and spontaneous.

I updated Para, and explained the format for the class, in addition to the logistics and details for her to handle.

“God’s Will is Always For Good”

The members of the group arrived, bringing their wonderful energies with them. I’d been feeling overwhelmed by all the logistics and details, but Para took them over, and soon we were ready to begin.

I was delighted that someone mentioned that our prayers from the previous week, to stop Hurricane Rita, had been answered. Of course, we realized that many, many others were praying too. The point is that it was a dynamic experiential aide about Faith.

We have some wonderful healers and I wanted them to share their energies, so I asked someone to open with a prayer, and she responded with a wonderful one relating to Faith and Will.

I opened with the Hot Tub Process, from my course, as a meditation, and it felt good to again be verbalizing these words that I had spoken many years earlier, in other groups. It had a settling effect on me, as well as the group. Some had been coloring the Will mandala, during the meditation, and I knew they were enjoying this additional centering tool, which could be coordinated with the colors for the Power, or as they felt guided.

I explained the format for the day: some sharing in the large group, then allow Spirit to guide them into the smaller group (where they would share from their reading, or experiences of the week) that would be appropriate for them. One lady wanted to number off to make it simpler, but I explained that this would be an opportunity to surrender to God’s Will, not ours, and I stayed firm with my request, as I had been God guided.

It worked great! One group attracted the conceptual approach, with Para as leader. The other, led by me, shared from a more personal experience.

When we had all shared, we returned to the large group and the selected “Reporter” bottom-lined the sharings from each group. Then we took a break.

It’s interesting that many had become so involved in their sharings that they continued right through the break, without a cookie or cup of tea (which I managed to get heated this time).

I had intended that there be two small group sessions: the first to share about Faith, since we hadn’t done that the first meeting, and the second to share about Will, which was the subject for this time. However, some of the folks wanted to share in the large group, and since we were running out of time, we remained in the large group.

I shared the lesson for Will, relating to surrendering and letting go by telling my story about losing and finding my chapter, as related above. I referred to Step 3 of The Twelve Steps: “Made a decision to turn my will over to the power of God, as I understood God,” and I added the last part of Step 11: “…praying only for knowledge of God’s Will for us, and the power to carry that out.”

I also emphasized that God’s will is always for good, and mentioned that, at one time I facilitated past-life regressions, and whenever anyone was asked to learn what is God’s Will for them, the answer was always that God’s Will is for good. They also learned that His Will is for whatever they desire, because desire means “of God”; He gave us the desire and the fulfillment of the desire. It’s a matter of aligning the personal will with God’s Will.

  Several people read related selections from the book of their choice re The Twelve Powers, and Para read from Charles Fillmore’s “Twelve Powers.”

All too soon, the class was over, and I asked Para to give a closing prayer, as everyone joined hands, sharing the high energies we had generated during the evening.

This Will not Do

It was wonderful having Para there to help put things away, and she agreed to wait with me, until the Lift Bus arrived. It didn’t come until 10:15, and it turned out to be the same driver that had picked me up, from the church, the week before. This time, he had already picked up the lady at OHSU and dropped her off at home, before getting me, because he had been in Beaverton, in Southwest Portland, to pick up someone else, who was still on board, along with an elderly couple who would remain on board for at least another hour, after leaving me off.  We picked up another lady and I didn’t get home until 10:45.

I made up my mind to make other arrangements for getting home.

I Said “Yes”    

A Postscript to the subject of Will came when Para and I were outside. The minister, who had been attending the meeting of chaplains, asked me about yet more details re my being a Licensed Unity Teacher: Would I like to become affiliated with this church? He explained the required paperwork, which would mean my calling the National Director, that would list me in the National Unity Yearbook.

This had been my original Unity church, and I had traveled many places, after leaving here. And, even after returning, as I reported in another book, my journey back to Unity had been difficult. But, now it seemed that the time was right to again belong to this church. It was part of my healing and recovery. It felt good, as I said, “Yes.”

This reminded me of the title of my course, based on Faith: “Faith is Saying ‘Yes’ to God.” Two subjects in that course are Agreements and Commitments. In other words, saying “Yes,” and then doing it. Now, I had made an Agreement and Commitment: to facilitate this class for twelve weeks, and to become affiliated with this church. Whew! This is intense.

“A New Sense of Belonging”

It’s also a fulfillment of the First Promise: “I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.”

That feeling of not belonging, not fitting in, has been with me all my life, along with the feeling that I’m not wanted. It’s part of the codependency characteristics, for those of us with abandonment issues. It’s comforting to know that I won’t have to be haunted by those terrible feelings any more.

UNDERSTANDING

THE PROMISES OF RECOVERY

Chapter 6

JUST THE WAY I AM

Understanding

I’m preparing to teach the Power of Understanding, and as usual, God is giving me experiential aides. There are so many wonderful subjects to include: intuition, and all related matters such as psychic abilities, etc; getting it, such as clarity: “I see”; a myriad of material relating to the inner child, codependency, Twelve Steps, and recovery. And, of course the related location, color, disciple and month. Most will be covered throughout this chapter, as God guides. But, I will start by saying the month associated is May, the color is gold, and the disciple is Thomas. The original location (given by Charles Fillmore) is behind the right eye. However, the expanded version (researched and presented by Dr. Robert Knapp) are the five physical senses and the analytical aspects of the conscious mind. Hopefully, we’ll get back to that, later.

A Stiff Neck

I will relate the experiences and insights, as God gives them to me, which started Friday; not much chance to rest, after the Thursday night class.

I’d been experiencing a tightness, or catching, in my neck and high up into my head, whenever I turned it. Not the usual stiff neck, or headache, nor the pressure I’d felt previously with the barometric and weather change. This was different. I wasn’t sure if it related to something I’d eaten, such as ice cream, or if it were a God-thing, relating to my spiritual path. I hoped it wasn’t the ice cream, because I do love it.

In any event, I was happy to arrive for my massage by the medical student, Holcomb, at the naturopathic clinic. She gave me a great treatment, focusing on my neck, head and shoulders, as well as my hip, which stores stress-energy. Now that my group was going well, I didn’t see any reason to be stressful, but sometimes it’s accumulated toxins and negative energy from a lifetime of stress. Goodness knows, I’ve had plenty of that.

Nothing special to report about the treatment, or the events after I got home, other than I was feeling good and settled into writing the rest of chapter 5, relating to Will.

I Don’t Understand

Later, I fixed myself some leftovers to eat, but still felt hungry, so I put a rice cake in my toaster and turned to do something at the sink. When I turned around, flames began shooting out of the toaster.

Startled and frightened, I pulled the plug and carried the toaster to the sink and threw it upside down, hoping to smother the flames, while pouring water on it. The room was now filled with smoke, and the fire alarm started. I knew this would alert the fire department, so quickly grabbed a magazine and began fanning, between running to open the window and turn on the fan. Whew! The smoke was terrible, but the alarm stopped, so I was relieved to know the fire department wouldn’t show up. But, I had to live with the smoke the rest of the evening. I guess I could have gone downstairs, but I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened.

In the meantime, I tried to understand what this was all about. What was the lesson? What did I need to understand?

At the time, the only thing I got out of the experience was being extremely thankful that nothing worse happened. Someone had once suggested that I keep my toaster on my stove, in case just such a thing happened. Yet, with those flames shooting up to the hood, over the stove, the place could have been ablaze within minutes. But it wasn’t. Again, God, through my angels, had protected me. I did have a burned finger, which I relieved with aloe ointment, but otherwise, all I can say is “Thank You, God.”  What more is there to understand? I am protected. Perhaps more insights will be revealed throughout this chapter.

A Reminder of Reality

The next event relating to Understanding also caused me to not understand. While reading the book I’d written, “Saying ‘Yes’ to Myself,” which I hadn’t read in a long time, I was surprised to read the ordeal I was writing about relating to my husband, Van. He had changed from pleasant, mild-mannered and generous to rebellious, uncooperative and withholding. He was there, but wasn’t there. His changes triggered my abandonment syndrome relating to my mother changing from sweet and gentle to unpredictable and even violent, as her schizophrenia took control. I’ll admit that many times, including the last few months of our marriage, I’d really wanted the stressful relationship to end. It did! Van asked for the separation, and then for the divorce. I really didn’t want it to end; I just wanted it to get better. The same was true about my mother: I didn’t want her to leave; I just wanted things to improve. But she too left, and so did my dad. So, when Van changed, my subconscious, inner child, lived in fear that he would leave. And he did. Now, you understand about the toaster incident.

Since we separated, I’ve been focusing on his wonderfulness, and mourning the loss of my soulmate and companion; not to mention my computer expert. Also, I missed our lifestyle of traveling in our RV across country and visiting family and friends. My entire life, as I knew it, ended. The worst had happened. I bottomed-out, and it’s taken me three-years to rebuild my life. Finally, I’m feeling that I can survive by myself, with God’s presence and guidance. Yet, I miss Van!

I Don’t Understand This, Either

So, God, what are you telling Me? Is this another reminder to release Van and move on? All this time, I’ve prayed and had faith that he would regain his wonderfulness and return to me, and we would live happily ever after. Otherwise, why would God continually have me see TV programs about such happenings, and why would He put it on my heart so heavily?

Maybe it will clarify, as time goes by. If so, I will report it here.

Sometimes the waters just get murkier when one enters into the Understanding energies. But, the good news is that they always clear up, with much more enlightenment.

What Should I Do?

Writing this next episode should put some light on many subjects, at least for me, as I again found myself asking “What is this all about? What should I do?

I was enjoying the guest presenter at church, Freddie Weber. It seems the minister and his wife were on vacation, but they had returned to town to attend Freddie’s concert, which they had heard would be excellent; also Rev. Evarts had some business to attend. This Sunday he sat in the front pew with his wife and adult daughter, while the Board president assumed some of his duties, such as introducing Freddie.

I’m sorry to say that I’d never heard of Freddie Weber, but, as she told her story, it seems she was a top Broadway, and Off--Broadway, entertainer: singer, pianist, comedienne. Shows how much I know about Broadway. But, I must admit that she gave an excellent performance for us.

Her musical comedy concert, “Being Here Now,” would be presented at 1: 00. During the service, she talked about having gone through a similar experience as I did -- bottoming-out -- and I began thinking that I wanted to stay for the concert.

However, I’d already set up my Lift Bus to take me to my CoDA meeting, and then take me home afterward. In fact, the bus was due between 12:00 and 12:30, so I wouldn’t have time, after church, to cancel. The entire time Freddie talked about shutting up the voices in your head that keep you from being here now, I was thrashing in my mind as to whether or not I should stay for the pot luck and the concert.

How would I get home?

I looked around to see if Margie was in church, but I didn’t see her. Maybe, if Judy would be staying, I could ride home with her. On and on and went. However, I did manage to hear enough of what she was saying to know that I really wanted to stay. But, should I go ahead with my commitment to the CoDA meeting? It’s not as if I was leading, or otherwise responsible.

After the service, Rev. Evarts made an announcement that there were 190 people attending, which was the largest attendance in a long time. And, he also announced that there wasn’t as much “normal food” as usual, but there were lots of desserts. Okay, so maybe that was a sign that I should go on to the CoDA Meeting, because they were having BBQ chicken or steak there.

The voices in my head went on and on, while I waited for the bus. I kept listening for guidance from God, and none came, other than Judy said she could give me a ride home.

Okay, So I Did It

Finally, at 12:20, I called the Dispatcher and told her the bus still hadn’t showed up, so now I wouldn’t be able to make it to my appointment, so I needed to cancel my rides for the afternoon. Whew!

It felt like the right thing to do, as I went downstairs to see if there was any food left. Thankfully, there was some chicken, a bit of salad, some beans, a small piece of cornbread, and a small amount of the apple crisp that Dolores had made. It all tasted delicious! I was so happy to be there, as I sat with Dolores and Bill.

Unfortunately, only about thirty of the 190 stayed for the concert, but I was so glad I’d paid my $15.00. Where else could you get Broadway entertainment for that price?

I sat in the front row and glowed throughout her presentation. It’s as if she were telling my story, except that I had not been a Broadway star, or anything that important. But, when she opened with “I Love Myself” by Jai Josefs, and asked if anyone knew the song, I said that I’d heard him sing it. She asked where, and I said that it was at a Louise Hay program when I lived in Southern California.

At The Top; And The Bottom

Indeed, I had been on the “in” of the metaphysical world in that area, at that time. I not only attended everything that was happening, but I also facilitated my own workshops and seminars at several Unity churches, and sometimes I was Platform Assistant. I’d been successful in my own little world, for quite a number of years, and then it all stopped.

Freddie had certainly been at the top of her life, and she too suddenly found herself at the bottom. And she told the entire story, interspersed with entertaining songs she had written about each event; something like my books about my adventures. Eventually, she got into spiritual pursuits under such gurus as Eckhart Tolle, and “The Power of Now.” She also completed Tibetan Buddhism Shambhala Training (five levels). 

I too studied my guru’s, such as John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming” about healing the inner child, and I’d attended his workshop, and then I facilitated a successful, year-long workshop based on the book. I’d also studied Louise Hay‘s writings, and I’d attended her workshop, where I heard Jai Josefs sing “I Love Myself.” One line says, “I love myself just the way I am,” which is where I got the title for this chapter. In fact, a copy of the words, on a loose handout, are in the front of my book, “Saying ‘Yes’ to Myself.”

That book contains much about my process of healing Joanie, my inner child, and it has a lot of information about CoDA and the Twelve Steps, as I write about attempting to heal my relationship with Van. It’s a jam-packed, powerful book, and re-reading it reminds me that I’ve still got to get my books published. But, as Freddie says, she couldn’t make it happen, and neither can I. It’s a God-thing, and when it’s His time, it will happen; just as it is for Freddie. It couldn’t have happened for her, until it was time, and I know the same is true for me.

The wonderful part about attending Freddie’s concert is finding confirmation from someone else who has gone through it. And, we’re not alone; I know of another person attending the concert who had once been a millionaire business entrepreneur and was on top of the heap, and then it happened to him; he lost everything. And now, he’s on his spiritual journey, and is involved at the Unity church, as God guides.

So, there are answers to all this, whether or not we know the answers. All we can do is listen, hear, understand and follow.

I know that I not only wanted, but I needed, to be at that concert. It gave me inspiration and courage to keep on keeping on. Who knows, maybe some day I’ll be speaking words about my story that will encourage and inspire others who are going through a similar journey; and that’s my dream; if it’s God’s will. As Freddie humbly said, “If He wants me to.”

Much of Freddie’s story was telling about finding herself, knowing who she is and what she does, and that she’s okay. I loved the part about when she worked with Louise Hay and Jai Josefs supporting AIDS victims, and she became in charge of the Gourmet Angels that provided gourmet food for AIDS people. It must have been a rewarding time, but it was also a terrible time, because so many were dieing, and it was so stressful. Finally, she burned-out, as I did with my prison ministry. It just gets to be too much.

So, she went back to doing what she does: entertaining. But, it wasn’t God’s plan for her to continue doing that, and He finally brought it to an end. That’s when she bottomed-out. Believe me, she gave a graphic description of that process, and I could certainly relate to every painful part of it. The good news is that when you hit bottom, the only way is up. Step by step; inch by inch; as God guides. That’s what she did, and that’s what I’m doing.

Thank You, God, for guiding me to Freddie Weber’s concert. I just wish that a lot more people had been there to hear her. But, God is doing it His way, and that is the lesson she is learning.

It’s the lesson we are all learning, one way or another.

Not For Me

As I watched Freddie carrying her keyboard and other material, with the help of the one-time millionaire (mentioned earlier), on her way to stay at the minister and his family’s home, I said to myself: “That lifestyle is not for me.”

At one time, when I was younger, I’d thought that I wanted to travel around the country and present my workshops to Unity churches. In fact, I’d thought that’s what I would do when Van and I traveled around the country in our RV. But, somehow, it never happened. I stopped and visited a few Unity churches, but it just wasn’t in me to do it, anymore.

And, now, for sure, I no longer feel like dragging myself and my belongings around the country to do workshops. For one thing, I’m no longer comfortable with adapting myself to that much change. And, I certainly don’t want to travel alone. I’m not even sure if I can drive anymore. That’s a step I’ll have to take when the time comes; if it comes.

This is For Me

But, I’m very clear that if I’m to do anything, it will be on-line. That’s what God has been preparing me to do for the last five or six years; maybe longer. I have much of my material on my website, and I feel comfortable with this format. It’s something I can do wherever I am; and I’m planning to travel again, when it’s God’s time. So, I can just take my laptop with me, and I’m doing my thing. I know that’s who I am, and I know that God loves me and uses me “Just the Way I am.”

Of course, I still expect that God will provide a spiritual partner-soulmate who will be with me for all this, when it’s God’s time.

In the meantime, I’m doing what I do, the way I do it; and it’s working. Thank You, God.

A Work in Progress

I’m beginning to feel my power coming back; my God-power, as I’m feeling more confident in who I am. At church, several people have talked to me about my group. Some say they will be coming; others say they want to, but can’t come on Thursdays, so I tell them about my website, and how to get to it. And, I’m getting excited about the possibilities of my on-line courses and books. It’s happening!

I’m thinking that I need to re-learn how to make business cards that I can give out, instead of writing out my website address, with directions for reaching my various programs: Transformations Twelve Power Process, Changing Money Patterns, Journey of Recovery, Ministry of the Word, Inner Freedom Ministry (for freedomers -- inmates seeking inner freedom -- and others seeking inner freedom), Inner Freedom On The Road (coast-to-coast, border-to-border RVing: inner and outer journey), Who is Joyanna? And there are more. Some are in progress, but there is already more information than you will ever have time to read. It may take awhile to find it, but it’s there.

I intend that Inner Freedom website will continue the support-study group idea. This means I will need someone to help with the chat rooms, and other technology. All in God’s good time; but soon, I hope.

How Do You Perceive Yourself?

In pursuit of refueling my understanding of Understanding, I reread the subject in “Twelve Powers in You” and was guided to other chapters, including one I had marked. When I read the marked pages, I realized the words apply to what I want to say here. Fortunately, I have permission to quote, so here goes:

Gay Lynn Williamson, one of the three authors, wrote: “Here then is the foundation of life: To see the truth about ourselves, to perceive that we are the expression of the Creative Force. We are to have rock-solid faith that we are good because we are God, that in this presence and power we live and move and have our being.”

Elsewhere, she writes: “So ask yourself, ’What old perceptions of myself am I still carrying around inside my head?’ Am I seeing myself for who I really am, or am I seeing myself through the eyes of others?’ Maybe you are seeing yourself through your mother’s eyes, your father’s eyes, or the eyes of a significant other. If so, take off the limiting views that constrain you and see yourself through fresh eyes and perceive yourself in new ways. Have more faith in yourself as a child of God.”

She concludes, “How you perceive yourself is the rock or foundation of your life. Whether you see yourself as capable, lovable and a success at relationships, is a choice. Choose to perceive yourself kindly -- through the eyes of love and acceptance -- even as you are growing and changing.”   

Myrtle Fillmore: The Mother of Unity

Earlier in the chapter on Faith, in the section on Spirit, which gives great insight into Understanding issues, David Williamson writes about Myrtle Fillmore, co-founder of Unity (with her husband, Charles) going to a metaphysical lecture and hearing the words: ‘I am a child of God, and therefore I do not inherit disease.’” She had tuberculosis, which she had believed was inherited, therefore inevitable, but from that time on “She took that new image of herself, she centered her faith in the affirmation: ‘I am a child of God, and I am filled with health and healing power.’”

She incorporated these words and this belief into her entire being, developing a prayer-meditation that she used and passed along to others, and soon she began to improve, until she became completely healed. This is the foundation of Unity, based on what Myrtle did with these words and this belief about herself.

Her husband, Charles, and others began to notice and follow these ideas, as Myrtle shifted from “a perception of herself as dying, to her view of herself as a person who was expressing power. She redefined, rethought and recreated herself, and she was healed. Even more important, she lived forty more years and influenced millions of people, because she had changed her thoughts about herself and had developed a new perception of who she really was and of the power that is within all of us. One person changed her perception of herself and helped change the world”!

Isn’t that impressive? I’ve studied Myrtle Fillmore and attempted to use her as a role model for many years. There is a Unity book about her, “Myrtle Fillmore’s Healing Letters,” that incorporates many teachings that relate to the inner child, without actually saying so, because it wasn’t known as such, in those days. I don’t write much about Myrtle, so I’m happy for this opportunity to mention and pay tribute to the “Mother of Unity,” as I’m talking about the inner child and loving myself “Just the Way I Am,” under the subject of Understanding. After all, it was her influence, when I studied her book and teachings, that brought me to where I am. Thank you, Myrtle.

Be Who You Are

Another viewpoint on the same subject comes from Melody Beattie in “Language of Letting God”: “In recovery, we’re learning a new behavior. It’s called Be Who You Are.

“For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

“Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

“There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves -- regardless of the reaction of others.

“Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy and relationships that work.

“We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.”

The affirmation says: “Today, I will own my power to be myself.”

I like another Daily Reading in Melody’s “Language of Letting Go:”

“Positive spontaneity involves freely expressing who we are -- in a way that is fun, healthy, doesn’t hurt us, and doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.

We learn to be spontaneous and free as we grow in self-awareness and self-esteem. Spontaneity emerges as our confidence and trust in ourselves increase, and we become more secure in our ability to maintain healthy boundaries.”

Reflection on the Toaster Fire Episode

Speaking of recovery and understanding, I have further insights on the toaster fire episode.

I wasn’t sure if I should attempt to use it, again, but it didn’t seem too badly damaged, so I put a piece of toast in, and watched very carefully. I began to understand that I would never fully trust that toaster again. My relationship with it has been permanently damaged, no matter how well it performs.

This brought me to realize that the same is true in human relationships. Once something has happened to cause us to mistrust, permanent damage has occurred. This happened to me, in childhood, with my parents when my mother “went crazy” and was placed in a mental institution and both parents disappeared. Not only did it damage my relationship with them, although I unconsciously yearned for their return for a long time; it damaged my trust of all relationships. Yet, the same yearning for them to return and live happily ever after continues, as it does with my feelings for Van.

Despite recently rereading about the stress of our relationship, and remembering the pain of his behavior, I still miss him and yearn for his return. For instance, today I tried to fix an unwanted overlay on my website. After hours of getting it corrected, the problem remained. It threw me into depression and tears, wailing for Van, despite the fact that he had lost interest in helping with my computer in the last months we were together. Wake Up, Joyanna! Move on!

So, with this in mind, I checked my profile on unitysingles.com to see if my cousin had placed my picture there, as he’d said he would. He hadn’t. But, while there I looked at several of the male profiles in my age range and area. Several of the ones I’d contacted two years were still there, and that brought memories of those unpleasant experiences of rejection, which I have no interest in repeating, nor did I feel any inclination to respond to the new ones. Again, re the toaster fire incident: once burned, twice shy. I’ll just wait and see what God has planned.

On the other hand, when I told my daughter, Dottie, about the toaster incident, she suggested that it’s important to learn from the experience and adjust accordingly. For instance, she reminded me that I should make sure I empty the crumbs in the bottom, and also turn the heat down, if I were to toast rice cakes, which require less heat and toast quicker.

Along the Same Lines

Along the same lines, only different. We’d planned to take the Grocery Shuttle to Costco, a warehouse store, and several of us were looking forward to it. However, when I arrived downstairs, I learned that the person with the card had called and discovered that they don’t open until 11:00, which would not give us enough time. So, it was decided, by the four of us that were going, to go to Wal-Mart, which was actually better for me, because I needed bottled water from there. Mostly, Joanie had been looking forward to eating a chicken bake while at Costco. Instead, I had an Ultimate Breakfast at Jack-in-The-Box, near Wal-Mart, which satisfied Joanie.

On the way home, the four talked about the next week’s plan to eat at Olive Garden, and it turned out that the other three really weren’t interested, and I wasn’t either. Considering that most of the Grocery Shuttle group had not been participating, I said that it would be best to drop the lunch plans, and stick to basic grocery shopping. Everyone agreed. So much for trying to get anything fun going with this group.

The lesson and adjustment is that if I want to do anything fun, such as eating out, I’ll make arrangements to go by myself on the Lift Bus, or take my son. The point of this is a greater degree of understanding about what I’m dealing with where I live: people are not willing to spend money on eating out, unless it’s inexpensive. They’ll spend money on other things, including food, but not eating at a nice restaurant.

Two Facets of Understanding

My experience with Understanding in the Transformation Group went smoothly and was uneventful. In fact, it went so smoothly and I felt so calm that I wondered if I’d done something wrong.

And my realization is that I don’t have to be hyped; calm is okay. In reality, The Promises were being fulfilled; this one stating: “We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.” Thank You, God.

It must have been okay, because I recall several good reports of benefits from the session, and there seemed to be something for everyone. For instance, in the smaller sharing groups Para leads conceptual approach, and I lead the experiential one. I give them a choice of staying in the group they were in before, or going to the other one.

In the large group, I’d opened with the Mirror Process from my course, which introduces them to their inner child, as well as their inner Light; part of understanding the different facets of oneself. Our group expanded on this experience, whereas Para read something from the “Twelve Powers” and they discussed intuition and other factors of understanding. These two approaches reflected that Understanding is of the head and the heart; intellectual (wisdom) or emotional (love).

In our group, I shared about my toaster fire, and one of the members said, “Burning Bush.” That reminded me that, in my course, I talk about Moses and the burning bush, illustrating a form of Understanding. In many ways, it was like the burning bush, because the fire did not burn or scorch anything, but a small spot on the top of the toaster. However, I would just as soon not have such a frightening experiential aide for these lessons.

“Follow Thou Me”

Two of the chaplains returned for this session, and another called to say she wouldn’t be there, but she was still interested. On the other hand, several people who said they would be coming did not show up, and my ego suffered somewhat, but I realized it’s more lessons for me to let go and let God. As they say in the Twelve Step programs: attraction not promotion. This might explain why my group somehow missed being listed on the calendar and the weekly bulletins. Perhaps this is another detail that Para or I should have handled, but it didn’t happen, and I have to let that be okay.

I also need to be aware that people change their plans for various reasons, and I’m not to let this trigger my abandonment syndrome, which tends to flare up this time of year, anyway. This being the anniversary of the break-up of my original family, as a child. Hopefully, with all the recovery work, I can move through this season without replaying the old tapes: illustrated by the toaster incident. Now, I can be aware of how I’m feeling, and remind myself: “What is that to thee; follow thou me,” as Jesus said.

Two blessings of the evening came with Dolores bringing her delicious homemade oatmeal-raisin cookies, and Pat being willing to bring me home from the meetings each week. Thank You, God!

“I Love Myself the Way I Am”

My Understanding week concluded Friday, when I decided to treat myself to lunch, after my weekly massage. I rode the bus downtown, got off on Sixth and Oak Street and walked to First Street, according to the ad I’d saved for McCormick and  Schmicks Restaurant. This decision evolved from my experience with the Grocery Shuttle; so Dottie is right, we can learn and adjust from our experiences and it can be enjoyable. It’s a matter of trust, as well as understanding.

I loved the old-fashioned setting, with a floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall mahogany highboy behind the bar. I was extended a genuine Welcome by the hostess, escorted to my seat, and greeted by the gray-haired, wonderfully co-dependent waiter; or maybe it’s just part of his job description to be so attentive. I loved it.

His attentiveness and gentility reminded me of Van, and my conclusion that I would never again be dissatisfied with a codependent mate. I’d spent years attempting to help Van become independent, not so pleasing and caretaking, which apparently worked, because he reached a place when he decided to move on. Another lesson from the toaster; next time I’ll appreciate the codependent pleasing and caretaking.

In any event, I definitely appreciated the waiter, as he answered my questions about the $5.95 Blue Plate Special, and I selected the pork loin with apricot demi-glace, despite the fact I was in a seafood restaurant. What a delight! Two pieces of delicious pork covered with a delicate apricot gravy with mashed potatoes and five strips of green beans across the top; like in a five-star restaurant. As I told the waiter, “It’s so good I’m going to take it home for another meal.”

I loved the downstairs bathroom with quaint décor and pictures of famous people who have eaten there. I’d definitely come to the right place, and I’d been asked several times, by the hostess, if everything was okay, and told that she was glad I was there; not only that, she personally escorted me downstairs to the restroom. I think she was going there anyway, but I still appreciated the attention, and it did me a world of good, because I kept having to remind myself that I’m okay and it’s okay for me to eat there; not that this was a place where only the elite or chosen ones could dine. After all, they were all dressed casually, and I fit in just fine.

I enjoyed myself so much that I made a decision to eat there on a regular basis. It’s okay to eat alone and enjoy it. And, by the way, I’m ready for a wonderful, codependent (or not) spiritual partner, soul mate to come into my life.

I completed this day’s adventure by taking the MAX (Light Rail) back to Meier & Frank’s Department Store. It had recently been bought by a company that plans to make several of the floors into a downtown hotel, and I wanted to see what was happening to the old historic landmark where I‘d shopped since childhood.

I also wanted to stop at Oasis, a program for seniors that I’d joined. To my delight, when I got off the elevator, the tenth floor was all decorated with Christmas trees, lights and decorations. It felt so homey and friendly, and when I went into the Oasis room, I was also greeted and made to feel welcome.

This was turning out to be a very healing day for my inner child, and a completion for this chapter to love myself just the way I am.

IMAGINATION 

THE PROMISES OF RECOVERY

Chapter 7

DISCOVERING THE WONDERS OF GOD

How Grand is Your Canyon?

As an example in Imagination, I use to ask students: “How grand is your canyon?”

It can be as grand as you want, or as limited. It can have myriad colors, or it can be blah. Our lives are only limited by our imagination; our ability to create.

I remember standing at the edge of The Grand Canyon in Arizona and feeling absolutely awe-struck. I could never have imagined anything as grand, as I gazed down into its depths, seeing a helicopter that looked like a fly, in comparison. I wonder if we can stretch our creativity to envision anything so magnanimous in our lives?

I’m sitting here, now, in my basic apartment, in Portland, Oregon wondering how I created this, compared to the wonderful three-story home overlooking the Pacific Ocean in San Diego’s North County where I lived, during much of my marriage to Van. After all, that was my creation too; and there were the eight years traveling coast-to-coast and border-to-border in our Holiday Rambler RV, when we saw the wonders of America.

Is it all simply a matter of my creativity, or does God’s Divine Plan for Good have anything to do with it? Let’s explore the visualization and creativity, as God guides me throughout this week of preparing for this next Power: Imagination. It’s color is light blue, like the sky on a clear summer day. The location is the third eye, in the center of the forehead, and the thalamus. The month that correlates is June, and the disciple is Nathaneal Bartholomew.

“On A Clear Day”

I’ve been questioning whether or not I listened to and followed God’s guidance, as I facilitated the session on Understanding, and I realize that the subject of seeing lapses into the subject of Imagination; of seeing clearly. In fact, when I presented the workshops, I included the song, “On a Clear Day, You Can See Forever,” with this session. In fact, I sometimes get confused, while searching for clarity on these two Powers, because with both we can say “I see.”

I’d felt calmer, more peaceful, trusting my Higher Power, as I’d facilitated the “Understanding” session, and that caused me to think maybe I’d done something wrong, when in reality I was doing things more right. But, when Para suggested that I need to present more information, at the beginning of the session, I immediately took her suggestion as confirmation of my own self-criticism.

Yet, when I questioned my Inner Guidance, I received confirmation that the session had gone exactly as it was suppose to, because the focus was on getting to know the inner child, as part of understanding this facet of oneself. Of course, I was told, those who are more in tune with the intellectual or conceptual approach would feel uncomfortable, and I was picking up on those energies, rather than focusing on the sharings in my own group, those more in tune with their emotions.

Oh, I see! It’s a matter of perception.

Wouldn’t you know, the Daily Reading gave me an answer which would appear to support the subject of Understanding, yet I’m being Guided to include it here:

“I express an understanding that flows from a wellspring of divine wisdom” is the title.

“Through my senses and experiences, I have formed certain perceptions about people and situations. However, people and situations are not always as they seem. Like Solomon, I pray for understanding that flows from a wellspring of divine wisdom.

“My perception is based on intuitive understanding and openness that guide me daily. I perceive what is possible for myself and others as we let the wisdom of God express understanding, creativity, and skills through everyday activities.

“I awaken to a new world of possibilities each day as I let my perception be grounded in God and the goodness of God.”

Open-ended Imagination

After a day of reading my own writings for “Imagination” in my course, “Transformations Twelve Power Process,” about Joseph, the Old Testament symbol for Imagination, with his coat of many colors, and his interpretation of dreams, and becoming the second in command of all Egypt, I began to warm up to my subject.

And I continued my preparation by reading “The Twelve Powers in You,” and, as usual, I wished that I could share everything in the group. But, of course, there isn’t time, and there is more to do, such as talking about creativity, treasure-mapping and other aspects of vision and visualization.

I use to love to make treasure maps, where we use magazines and pictures to depict what we want to create in our lives. But, in recent years, as a result of learning to surrender and turn my will over to God, I’m not so inclined to designate what I want. I’ve come to trust that God has a Divine Plan for me, and I’m willing to let Him bring it forth into creation.

Is that a cop out? I don’t think so. In fact, as I continued reading, I was delighted that David Williamson agrees. he writes, “There is a way we can use our power of imagination. It is best summed up in the familiar phrase, ‘Let go and let God.’ This is what I call ‘open-ended imagination.’ We open ourselves to a flow of images rather than consciously thinking them up and holding images. It goes beyond what we know about and want, to the realm that we don’t know about. This is the truly creative realm that we don’t know about. This is the truly creative realm where artists, inventors, scientists, writers, musicians, poets, visionaries and ordinary people open themselves to images or thoughts that just ‘come.’”

In other words, we can dream, plan and designate, but then surrender, let go and let God.

David continues, “In the open-ended, unconditioned way of imaging, we pray with images -- we don’t just play with images. We make responsible use of our creative ability to shape and mold our life and world. We hold a positive life-affirming vision for ourselves and humanity. We receive and learn from the images that come to our open mind.”

“For I Know the Plans that I have for You…”

While preparing to facilitate the session on Imagination, it came to my mind to emphasize the words of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

In other words, God already has a Divine Plan for Good, for each of us, a plan that we already knew and agreed with before we were born. Many of us forgot the Plan, and others are remembering; some were firmly attuned to the Plan and are on course from the beginning, focused on fulfilling their purpose.

Our part is to keep attuned to God: to listen, hear, understand, follow and remember, as God guides us along our way. The clue is that whatever we are doing, it is part of the Plan, although we may still be in the process of preparation.

In fact, preparation is another subject that I include in my Transformation course, because it is so important to realize that we must prepare for our part in God’s Divine Plan for us, just as a musician, artist, dancer, or anyone who excels, prepares for their calling. Some people put more preparation into their road trip or vacation than for their life’s goals. A seamstress, for instance, must do much preparation, such as shrinking the material, placing the pattern and cutting it out, fitting, and many other steps, before the finished product is ready to wear. So, we too must prepare for the fulfillment of our purpose. 

A good illustration for the subject is the old story about a person in New York City who asked someone, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall,” and received the reply “Practice, practice, practice.” Our assignment, to fulfill our part in God’s Divine Plan is “practice, practice, practice’; if nothing more than just practice being who we are. God will guide us.

The more we practice being who we are, one day it will happen; another Promise of Co-Dependents will be fulfilled: “I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.”

A Vision of Wonders

The title for this chapter came from another Daily Reading that states: “I am discovering new wonders in the world around me.”

“Do I see a world filled with wonder, a world of new discoveries just waiting to unfold today? Or do I look around me and see the same things that were there for a great many yesterdays?

“Today I choose to discover a world of wonder. I also rediscover the beauty in my life and in the life that surrounds me. I choose to look forward to new wonders and exciting discoveries.

“With such vision, I have a fresh appreciation for my home and the people I meet every day. I regain my appreciation for the simple things in life that I may have been taking for granted.

“The added plus in all I discover is that every day is filled with the wonder of God.”

I find it interesting that I seldom notice the past Daily Readings that I have taped by my computer, yet as I started typing this chapter, I paused to read: “I rely on the all-knowing, all-powerful presence of God to work wonders in my life.” This is yet another confirmation that I am on the right track, listening to, and following my Inner Guidance.

Thank You, God, for Change

It seems the lesson for our Twelve Powers group is still flexibility, as it was from the beginning, when I learned that Faith is flexible; perhaps the overall lesson is: life is flexible, which makes sense since I learned many years ago that life is change.

In any event, this week the Fellowship Hall was set up for the completion of the Jewish celebration with a feast of juice, fruit, nuts and bread to break the fast they had been holding since the previous day. This meant our group would be meeting in the cozier Teen Room, which we all prefer. Thank You, God, for change.

We also learned that one of our group had gone, with the Red Cross, to help out in Louisiana, and another one had returned, several who had said they would be there had not showed up, but one new person arrived. Yes, it’s about being flexible.

We discussed the subjects I’ve mentioned here, while coloring the mandalas, which serve as experiential aides for creativity. This time, instead of the smaller discussion groups, we did one-on-one, after the Balloon Process: looking into a barrage of balloons and asking to see the causes of our current conditions, such as money, relationships, health, and then releasing them and letting them disappear into the ethers.

Despite the changes, I felt good about the session on Imagination as a good feeling of bonding evolved.

The Artist of Your Healing Journey

Speaking of creativity, I read aloud from “The Twelve Powers in You,” about people who have attained their healing through creativity, such as painting, writing, cooking, sewing, and even exercise. Gay Lynn Williamson wrote one person who “became the artist of her healing journey,” through her painting.

The healing and benefits from the group can come in many ways, such as Dolores’s efforts to create a poster on Understanding, which is taking her through a healing process, and Sheryl experienced emotional and physical discomfort, during the week, as issues were surfacing for her.

My healing is evolving through the process of facilitating this wonderful group. But, I was surprised, while on the way home with Pat, when we got into a discussion about husbands. The conversation gave me another opportunity to look at the reality of my former relationship and to happily release myself from him; something I had been unable to do, in the past three-years since our separation and divorce. Thank You, God!

Sometimes releasing can be part of preparation, as we make room for the new good to come into our lives. How can you create your tapestry of life?

ZEAL

Chapter 8

“THE JOURNEY THAT NEVER WAS”

Where I Started From

I love this beginning for a chapter about expansion, zeal, enthusiasm; makes one wonder “Why even start, if there was no journey in the first place?”

Oh, but it’s the trip that makes all the difference; the scenery along the way, the adventure, the people, the places. We would have missed it all, if we hadn’t taken the journey.

The significance of  these words came to me as a result of Rev. Evarts telling me that I must reactivate my licensed teacher status in order to teach for credits to those who are studying to become licensed teachers, ministers or chaplains. In order to do this, I would need to call Unity headquarters and ask about the requirements.

When I talked with the person at Unity headquarters, I learned that I am not listed on their files; in other words, I don’t even exist, let alone any record that I’ve taken the Journey, at least as far as being on the computer files.

However, no doubt I am listed elsewhere, and I learned that I must take 10 hours of credits in a class lead by the minister, or an active licensed teacher (not a class I’m teaching). It so happens that Rev. Evarts is beginning a class titled “The Journey that Never Was,” based on a book by the same name, which I can take for post graduate credits. Hooray!

So, now I’m back at the church where I first started, again taking a class, to become a Licensed Unity Teacher; only these are post graduate courses to become reactivated. So much paperwork, rules and regulations! But, I am willing to do what needs to be done, as part of my preparation for whatever comes next.

Overcoming Obstacles and Moving Forward

I feel that I am experiencing the expansion part of the month for Zeal, as I prepare to facilitate the Power of Zeal for this week‘s class. As usual, God is giving me the experiential aides as I’m overcoming obstacles and moving forward.

I’d taken the lift bus and arrived late, so one obstacle, my transportation to this evening class, was resolved when I asked another attendee, Sue, if she would give me a ride home, since she lives near me. I’d already arranged for a ride home with Judy for this night, but Sue not only agreed to take me home, but also to take me to the class. Thank You, God!

I know God is teaching me lessons in humility, patience and gratitude, in addition to flexibility, because my ride with Judy became another late night venture. It so happened that Yom Kippur was being celebrated by a Jewish fellowship using our church for the event, and Judy had to remain until it was over. The group seemed to be enjoying their celebration, because they didn’t leave until 11:00 p.m. Oh well, I haven’t made it home from my Thursday group until that time, so it’s good that God is giving me endurance and enthusiasm. 

The Activity of The Holy Spirit

Seven people from my group also attended “ The Journey that Never Was,” along with ten others, which allowed for six groups of three each, for our discussion about subjects relating to experiencing the “Voice of God,” which is actually the Holy Spirit -- one of the Trinity.

I remember that when I went before the Board to become a licensed teacher, one of the questions asked was: “What is the Holy Spirit?” The answer: “The Holy Sprit is the activity of God. It is the ‘breath of God’ to life essence of Being.” Another definition is: The Holy Spirit is the Love of God in expression.

Rev. Evarts said, “The Holy Spirit’s work is to reawaken each of us to oneness.” He also discussed the ego, saying that its job is to keep us separate from God. 

Personally, I don’t agree. I believe that the ego is our identity, and its job is to take care of us and keep us alive. And, when we consider that God is all, then God is also the ego, and I choose to focus on its good purpose, rather than eliminating it. When my ego gets carried away with self-centeredness, I remind it to merge the “i” with the “I,” which will give it more power and meaningfulness, as we become one. It seems to work for me.

Rev. Evarts reminded us that Jesus’ mission was to guide us to oneness, as He said: “I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.” In other words, if Jesus stayed, the people would have depended on His physical presence, and not the Holy Spirit, or Whole Spirit of God, and His message would not have been completed.

Jesus told us that whatever He did, we could do too, if we looked to the Holy Spirit and followed the teachings that Jesus gave us.

This is the purpose of  “The Journey that Never Was,” to return us to oneness, where we’ve always been. In other words, it’s a journey that doesn’t need to be taken, because we’ve never been separated. The Journey is simply a matter of remembering who we are and where we are.

Nevertheless, I’ll be sharing my adventures on this “Journey that Never Was, as I continue my travels in this class, along with facilitating my Transformation Study and Support Group.

My Experiential Aide: A Stiff Neck

I like to give the statistics about each Power at the beginning of the chapter, so Zeal’s color is orange, which is appropriate for the month of October, with its fall colors and Halloween. It’s also appropriate that the disciple is Simon the Zealot.

The location is the neck or medulla oblongata and the hypothalamus. Dr. Knapp gives us a clear picture, as he writes: “Specific centers in the hypothalamus and brain stem regulate all of the body’s automatic functions and cyclic activities that are under subconscious control. These include temperature, water balance, heart and respiratory rate, appetite and the sleep-wake cycle. These organs at the base of the brain also regulate our energy level, our mood and our libido.

“The hypothalamus also manifests our zeal and enthusiasm by regulating the secretion of pituitary hormones, which in turn regulate the other endocrine glands. For example, when we affirm and believe that we are filled with abundant energy, then the hypothalamus responds by releasing a hormone that directs the pituitary to release its hormone that regulates the thyroid gland. With the resulting increase in thyroid hormone, we experience greater energy and vitality.”

It’s interesting that I’ve been experiencing a stiff neck in recent weeks, about the beginning of October. Ha! That should tell me something; either I’m not zealous, or I’m too zealous, or I need to balance my Zeal with Order. Believe me, I’ve been working on this, during these first two weeks of October, along with having massage, acupuncture, and using liniment. As I said, God gives me experiential aides with each of these Powers, but some of them I’d just as soon avoid.

Nevertheless, I am excited about attending Rev. Evarts class, and also continuing to facilitate my Transformation Study and Support Group. Thank You, God, for Divine Order. “Everything is in DO as one Unity student use to affirm, and now I do too.

Back to My Beginnings

My experience for each Power unfolds all week, and I enjoyed the expansion aspect of this subject, after my massage on Friday.

I thanked God that it was a sunny, warm day as I took the bus in the opposite direction, on my way to visit Para, who works at the New Renaissance Book Store, in Northwest Portland. The autumn leaves, along the way, were ablaze with orange, red and gold as I savored the excitement of a new adventure; something I attempt to do on a regular basis to get out of a rut and expand my life.

Fortunately, I could ride the same bus that I take from my home to the Naturopathic clinic, all the way downtown and to the artsy northwest part of town. I’d once been familiar with this area, because I’d attended a private school, in the hills, and caught the bus on 23rd, near the book store. Of course, the book store wasn’t there that long ago, nor were all the quaint businesses and restaurants that appeal to the local residents and visitors.

For instance, “The Peaceworker” newspaper is published on one corner, and there are acupuncturists and many New Age businesses. I felt good in these gentle energies, because I had been very involved in them when I lived in California, but traveling in the RV with Van, and while trying to get my life together with my recovery program, I‘d lost my connection, mostly because I didn’t have money to spend on these books and pursuits. It felt good coming back into them, but, as I said, none of this was here when I attended school, so it’s the same only different.

In fact, I remember walking these streets on the way to the old Ice Arena to go skating Wednesday afternoons; and that’s where I met the hockey player, Phil, who was a major part of  my life, during my teens.

A Tour of the New Renaissance Book Store

But, that’s another story and this chapter is not about then, it’s about now, and the familiar smells of incense, candles and soaps greeted me, as I climbed the steps and entered the old house of the New Renaissance Book Store. The books covered everything from the eastern philosophies to the New Age, and everything in between. Besides the books, there were crystals, candles, calendars, CD’s, home décor, massage devices and healing products.

Whew! I became overwhelmed, as I asked to see Para, and was disappointed to learn that she wasn’t there, especially since she told me she would be here. On the other hand, how would they know? There are nooks and crannies, doors, stairs, and a myriad places where she could be.

Nevertheless, my purpose had been to expand and explore, so I managed to focus on titles, as I wandered through the maze of aisles and passageways, finally finding my way upstairs to the used books. Wouldn’t you now, my dear friend, Melody Beattie, who had guided me through my healing and recovery process, reached out from a shelf with a new title: “Choices” with the subtitle: “Taking Control of Your Life and Making it Matter.” It was a new book that was being offered at a “Special Price,” which I couldn’t resist for only $7.00.” I was tempted to buy “Beyond the Twelve Steps,” too, but I’ve learned to say “No,” and I wanted to allow money for lunch with Para, if I could find her.

I guess I was suppose to find that book, because by the time I’d toured the bookstore and asked someone else about Para, I learned that she was in her office. She was called, and came down to meet me, and gave me a personal tour, showing me the displays and paintings that she does, as part of her job, in addition to buying candles. Talk about an experiential aide for creativity, this is it.

A Thai Lunch on the Patio

But, for me it was about expansion, and I was delighted to meet a friend of Para’s who also came for lunch, and listen to him talk about subjects that I don’t usually delve into, such as ancient Mayan cultures. My culinary interests were also expanded as I tried to make a selection from the unfamiliar items on the menu in the Thai restaurant, next door to the bookstore. Such fun! The topper to this exercise in expansion was eating outside on the patio, in October; an unusually warm, sunny day, with a huge maple tree blessing us with its orange, red and gold leaves. Such a joyful experience!

I’d settled for a chicken and vegetable item that I can’t spell, let alone pronounce, but it also had sliced ginger, bok choy and broccoli and a delicate peanut sauce.

Out of the Rut

Para and her friend had to return to work, and I continued with my expansion adventure by taking a different bus that would take me back downtown, across the river and to a connection to another bus that would take me to Wal-Mart where I could buy a birthday gift for my great-granddaughter, Ashley, and also a new cartridge for my printer. To me, both items were an expansion from what I usually do, because I hesitate to spend the extra money. However, since my tithe is now handled by a percentage of the income from the group, it allows me to expand my spending.

Furthermore, I concluded the adventures of this day by walking next door to the Century 16 Theaters and attending a movie, since they finally had one that wasn’t violence: “In Her Shoes,“ with Shirley MacLaine and Carmen Diaz. Of course, Shirley is always good and I appreciate the writings she did about metaphysics, although she was advised to stop, and she did.

I didn’t care much for the first part, but I’m glad I stayed, because it turned out to be a pretty good movie, with some depth to the subject of family relationships, and part of the movie took place in a Senior Retirement Complex. You’d think I could expand beyond the same scenes I see every day, but this was a luxury resort in Florida; much expanded from where I live.

I couldn’t believe that it was dark when I left the theater, which was also expanding my experience, because I don’t go out alone at night anymore. However, I felt safe, as I walked across the parking lots and made my way to the bus stop; and then walked the three blocks home from the bus.

I’d had such a delightful day, and I felt happy that I had made the effort to get out of my usual routine, see new places and do new things.

Expansion at Bravo

Actually, this entire week has been one of expansion, and I love it; takes me out of my usual routine. For instance, Wednesday began with the Grocery Shuttle going to a different shopping center with a new Northwest Dollar Store, where I shopped for butterflies for my daughter, Gail’s, Butterfly Birthday. It was a good experience, because I allowed myself to think in terms of buying, rather than my usual message that I can’t buy anything. It was fun selecting items for Gail and picturing her enthusiasm when opening the presents. I also purchased a few things for myself and for my son’s birthday, which is in two weeks. I could actually feel the barriers and blocks lifting, as I shopped.

When I arrived home, a taxi was waiting to take me to the Convention Center. I had requested my ride for 12:15, but for some reason he was early, so I quickly put my purchases in my apartment and away we went.

This is the third year I’ve attended the Bravo Trade Show which features caterers and entertainment for events, such as weddings, or other programs. My inner child, Joanie, loves this event, because they offer delicious free food to encourage one to select their services. I was hungry, and loaded my plate with all kinds of goodies, such as Thai food and other exotic treats, including prawns sautéed in butter and garlic. There were several breweries, wineries and pubs offering beer and wine, however I selected the Hood River apple cider, which was delicious.

They also feature entertainment. In the past, there were Elvis impersonators, mimes, and even The Blues Brothers, and many entertaining acts, but this year I only saw a group called Hit Machine. The lead singer, with a long dark wig, sang in a high falsetto, imitating Tiny Tim, and also did Michael Jackson routines.

It’s a lot of fun, and it’s all free, if you sign up on-line. My problem was that my printer cartridge was empty, so I bought a new black one, but the ID badge also required blue, and I didn’t have a colored cartridge, so I took what had printed and hoped it would work. I use to fret and worry about such things, but I’m learning to let go and let God.

No problem, I was directed to a line that printed out the ID badges, and away I went for food and fun. I was glad I hadn’t wasted time and energy worrying about the badge. I could use my energies for having fun.

Getting Clear and Getting There

When it was time to leave, I called the Tri-Met Lift dispatcher and insisted on getting exact directions to the pick-up location, because there are many entrances, and I didn’t want to miss my bus, like I did at the airport when they didn’t specify which Baggage Claim area I was to be at.

They insisted that I must wait on Holladay Street, across from the MAX stop, so I kept watching, in the direction I expected the bus to come from. It was late. Finally, I looked in another direction, not where I’d been told to wait, but on Martin Luther King Blvd., and there was the bus, with the driver standing outside looking around. Of course, he didn’t see me, because I was too far away, so I rushed over, carrying my huge bag of handouts from the convention, and got on board. Whew! He’d been waiting awhile and was just ready to leave. I’d looked in that direction earlier, but not since he arrived.

I explained that I’d talked to three people, including the supervisor, to make sure I was in the right location, on Holladay Street. The driver was parked on MLK Blvd., and said that was the only place where he could pull off the street.

This trip was not going well, because I’d thought I’d given plenty of time for my pick-up to get home--4:00 p.m.-- before my next event --6:30. The driver didn’t arrive until 4:30 and announced that he had to go to Milwaukie, which is a long way from where I live. I told him I had to be there at 6:00 p.m., giving myself enough time, before my ride to church for the ministers class.

Again, I released the situation to God, rather than fretting, as I did in the past. It was a long, long ride, but the driver managed to get me home before 6:00, and I was ready for my ride. I’m so thrilled that Sue, a member of the class, will give me a ride both ways, which is a big relief, rather than relying on the Lift Bus. Thank You, God!

The Still Small Voice

This book, “The Journey that Never Was,” is about learning to hear the voice of God, which is the Holy Spirit, one of the subjects I discuss for the Power of Zeal, so it’s all working out great. As I explained in our discussion group, I am definitely aware of the voice of God, whatever it’s called, because It writes through me, and It also guides me in my daily activities. The only time I become frustrated is when I’m not feeling the connection. The book says that’s when the ego is trying to keep us separated.

I’d been listening and following God’s voice for many years, and after I bottomed-out, I was barely able to function, so I depended on that Guidance for everything from what to eat and wear, to how to pay my bills.

The members of the group were talking about how that Voice is heard. One lady actually hears a voice, as do the authors of the book. It seems to be the “still small voice” for me. Yet, as we discussed the subject, I wondered if I do hear an audible voice, then concluded that it’s actually silent and I hear with the inner ear.

"Your Own True Religion"

The book, which is written by the Holy Spirit, discusses the difference between religion and spirituality: “Your own true religion is knowing yourself, knowing God and God’s will for you, believing and trusting in that, and allowing the Holy Spirit to translate the language of the world into God’s language, so that you may be that which you are, which is Love.”

It continues: “Hearing God’s Voice is always available to everyone, unconditionally. Choosing to hear this Voice is the key. Choosing is up to you.”

A Mountain to Climb

I find it interesting that I was guided to buy Melody Beattie’s book, “Choices,” and I’m reading these words about choices. In fact, as I wrote in the Imagination chapter, we can choose “how grand is our canyon.”

As  usual, God gave me an experiential aide relating to expansion. This e-mail Forward is a picture taken from atop Mt. Everest, and you can see forever. In order to see all of it, you must scroll sideways, over all the mountaintops, and it is absolutely breathtaking; almost as good as being there, without the exhausting climb and high altitude.

The picture goes right along with Melody’s writings about climbing the world’s high mountains, as part of her expansion process in life. She wrote:

“When you’re not certain if there’s ground under your feet, or where it leads, walk carefully. As surely as it’s dark and frightening, there’s magic there, too. When you’re willing to let go of old ideas and frames of reference about how life is, has to be, always will be, and what’s next, you’re in the mysterious void, the place where all creation begins.

“Walk slowly until you see the light, because you will.

Then get ready.

                     We’ve got a mountain to climb.”

Something about Melody’s book, climbing mountains, and choices, seems to be taking me higher and higher in consciousness, also, without needing to climb physical mountains. My mountains are within; and they seem to be getting smaller and easier. For instance, as a result of the conversation with Pat, coming home from last week’s session, I’ve finally released Van. He’s gone! Thank you, God.

Melody wrote: “Letting go with love is a choice.” I think it’s also the grace of God, because I had not been able to release Van, by “my choice,” for three years. And now, it’s done, as one of the Promises of Recovery says: “We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.”

As I’m moving forward with these two classes, and the experiential aides God is giving me. I can hardly wait for the next session, which I’ll share, as they unfold.

I’m Not Out on a Limb

In the meantime, while praying and waiting for a partner to assist with my website project, I got impatient and e-mailed a person that I thought might be interested.

Since we are studying about the ego’s control, I must admit that it was more likely an ego thing than a God thing. And when the person did not respond as soon as I desired, I e-mailed again. I received a loving explanation for the delay in responding: he’s supporting a friend in the process of making her transition into death. Also, he already has a partner for working with the Twelve Powers.

Okay, so again, as I shared at my Al-Anon Meeting, I must release, let go and let God; trusting that God will guide me in His right time and way; and not so satisfy my ego.

In the meantime, I keep doing what I do and go through the doors that open. For instance, this morning I talked with Sandra Combs as she visited my website about the Twelve Powers, and we discussed the upcoming class I’ll be co-facilitating with her. In fact, she’s asked that I present the material from my course. How thrilling! I’m moving forward, out of the closet. She also suggested that I should contact Unity headquarters and tell them about my courses and ask if they would be interested in presenting them as part of their on-line program.

Whew! That’s scary, but it also seems conceivable that I am now in a state of mind, with God and the Holy Spirit, to take such a giant step. Talk about Zeal and expansion. I will continue to report on these projects, as Spirit guides me. I must remember not to force things to happen, but take one step at a time, as God guides.

I keep reminding myself: I’m not abandoned. I’m not out on a limb. I’m not deserted, helpless, or alone. Thank You, God.

God Power for Good

The Transformation’s Twelve Power Study and Support Group continues to be a source of joy and healing, not only for me, but for the other members, as it remains in a state of transition: a different meeting room each time, members coming and going, and ongoing changes; reminding us to remain flexible, and to keep praying for the members of the group, and also for world conditions, as Hurricane Wilma make her way into Florida. Fortunately, with our prayers joining worldwide prayers, the velocity is lessening, as it did with Rita. Such times we are living in!

I love it, as the good reports, in the group, continue, and the energy shifts reflect in their faces: LIGHT! And they love coloring the mandalas, which serve as another form of meditation and healing. Thank You, God, for Your Guidance. It’s working!

I again read my “Zest For Life,” chapter from my book, “The Past is Past; This is Now.” The chapter was written while I co-facilitated with the minister in the spring. We discussed Zeal, Renunciation and Life in one session. Whew! My chapter presents Charles Fillmore’s writings on the ego, in these three chapters of “Twelve Powers,” and it is quite intense.

As I said, I do not believe that the ego is to be obliterate, because it is our identity, and its purpose is to protect us and make sure we survive. So, it’s a matter of educating the ego to understand that it’s not to control or manipulate. I do this by inviting it to merge with the God-self and work together in partnership, which gives it even more power: God-power for good.

The Baptism of The Holy Spirit

A highlight of the Zeal session was the “Holy Spirit Process,” in which I guide them through an experience of being in the Upper Room with the disciples, Mary and others when they experience the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I invite them each to also receive the Holy Spirit. I was surprised, after reading the instructions, when I closed my eyes, that I saw orange light and other colors, and my head felt full of energy. I would love to have heard the experiences of the others, but they shared one-on-one, and we didn’t have time to hear them all in the large circle, although each had shared earlier, at the beginning of the session.

As usual, Para closed with a prayer, this time she gave a Twelve Powers meditation from the book.

Thank You, God, for your presence as the Holy Spirit and the Christ Presence, in, as, through and with each of us.

With One You Get Egg Roll

On Friday, I concluded my Zeal week and continued the month, in the spirit of expansion, after my massage. This time I walked a few blocks from the clinic, through the colorful autumn leaves, and took a different bus so I could ride to the Northwest Dollar Store, because they had forgotten to put part of Gail’s butterfly purchases in my bags. Rather than being upset, I decided to have lunch at Chu’s Eatery, by the store. I’d walked about eight blocks to Safeway, before catching my bus to town, in order to get Clipper paper that had a $1.00-off coupon.

Thankfully, God had blessed us with a beautiful, sunny day so I didn’t mind all the walking and I felt happy and lighthearted this wonderful day, while enjoying the deep red, orange and golden leaves still on the trees. What a day for Zeal!

I’d eaten egg foo yung for lunch, and concluded survey by selecting Hung Far Low, as my favorite, although Chu’s included two patties and an egg roll and crab-flavored Won Ton for only $4.25, with the coupon. A good deal!

I Listened to the Holy Spirit

Joanie was enjoying her day, but decided to expand the plan by going to a movie. However, I couldn’t seem to get myself together to decide which way to go, because it would involve walking, and my toenail was cutting into my foot. Finally, I decided to get off the bus and transfer to the Holgate bus, which would take me closer to the theaters. But, I noticed it pulling out ahead of my bus, and I decided to go on home first so I could leave my packages and clip my toenail.

Little did I know the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, because soon after I arrived home my son called and I discovered that he thought Gail’s birthday was the next week, so he would not have been picking me up at the restaurant where I would have been dropped off.

After getting him clear, it occurred to me that I had arranged for the bus pick-up from my home, not from church. I called to clarify and, sure enough, it was the wrong place. Thank You, God, for speaking to me through the Holy Spirit on this matter. And thank goodness I listened and followed.

I Arrived On Time

I knew that the Holy Spirit was still talking, and the transportation saga continued, after I arrived at church and saw Bill and Carol, who live in Oregon City, standing in the foyer. I asked if they would mind giving me a ride to Shari’s restaurant, the meeting place in West Linn (across the river) and they agreed. Thank You, God!

I arrived on time, and Marquam was waiting, so everything worked out in Divine Order. I’m sure I would have been very late, if I’d taken the Lift Bus. As it was, Marquam took me on a scenic route from where he went to grade school to his home where he lived with his dad. It seemed strange, but good, to be sharing this part of my son’s life, since I had missed all of it. At that time, I lived in Southern California and only saw him when he visited me there.

I knew that God had been guiding me through this entire transportation process, and He was teaching me deeper lessons in listening and following the Holy Spirit, rather than my ego. What a great experiential aide for this Power.

Now, I was ready to move on.